Some things to consider.

Haven't been blogging much as you can see. I'm at RO and now have a writing assigment for the day. The topic is "Playing a Role In My Recovery."

(How does hope play a role in my recovery?) Hope is a nebulous thing. Some people have it and some don't. I'm not sure I ever believed in the intangeable.

(What goals have I reached despite my illness?) I have several books I've written, some of which are in a series. Part of my illness over the years involved how long it took to reach the point in the stories I have gotten to. I'm not as quick when it comes to writing as I should be. I'm slow with my own reading comprehension these days.

(What are some social and cultural factors in my life that play a role in my recovery?) I have a friend who often reminds me of my illness. I'm not certain that I have the correct diagnosis as I was diagnosed in a time of acute crisis in my life where I was very symptomatic. Truth be told I heard enough voices on that sudden outset and acted out to a degree that probably gave others enough cause for concern. But I'm not symptomatic in that sense all the time.

(How do family and others affect your recovery?) A big part of my personality & my actual illness is that I'm a co-dependant kinda person. I put other's needs ahead of my own and find myself doing things or in situations where I am uncomfortable and wish I weren't doing what I was doing. I enable others to have me chase after their own problems and not be cognizant of my own.

I'm closing RPGboards.com

Can't afford to pay for a custom URL for a crappy website. :(

Being Happy-Go-Lucky with Jesus & Ourselves.

Here, offered for free, is an article published originally in my "Big Book of MORfiction."

Being Happy-Go-Lucky with Jesus & Ourselves.

By Michael Owen Reeve

Jesus isn't a brooding, grim, unhappy guy. He's a happy, cheerful guy laying some good vibes on people. I'd go so far as to say he was the first "flower child". Not in the sense that he was disreputable. But he walked around wearing sandals, long hair, long beard, doing the odd job as whatever he could do to earn money, but his job didn't consume his life. He carpentered because he enjoyed doing it. Not because he NEEDED a paycheck.

He tried to get people to look on the bright side; to cast off their doubt & suspicion that life could improve under the shadow of the Roman Empire. He was a nice guy who did good deeds so other people would follow his example of spreading goodwill. But unfortunately the people saw fit to rise him up on a pedestal. "I'm not Jesus, I can only look towards his spirit for strength." This not what he truly wanted people to think. He wanted them to think they had strength, that they had power. The strength of an individual acting with integrity that isn't afraid of being ostracized by the crowd. Jesus was one such individual & he hoped that the people who followed him would share these qualities. Sure, they wouldn't be the Son of God like he was, but they don't have to be.

He didn’t want to be a King of Kings. He was a leader, but only in a time when people needed a push towards something to inspire them to band together & create something much better than what had come before. Moses & the other prophets could have been said to have been men who possessed a mania of compassion for the underclass who could not be content with being part of the crowd.

They had to speak against their oppressors and because they spoke up, the people followed them. Not because the prophets wished to lead but because the people were so content with their being followers that they lacked in the ability to be anything else. Everyone felt this compulsion, but not everyone was outfitted with the means of speaking in a way that would please the listener’s ear. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what tone of voice to use.”

Forgive my meager indulgences in egotism should they appear. I know they said this because they say it now. The people I see in this world are lost. They need to rekindle the passion they have for knowledge,

for wisdom. To learn how to speak to each other unfettered & without restraint or worry for being judged negatively.

The people… we… as a people need to embrace our own true potentials. It matters not what religion you were taught as a youngster. No religion is wrong; just very few religions know how to be right. You must build a true foundation of communication with each other. Don’t worry about always being polite: be genuine. Say what you mean. It matters not the tone of one’s voice. Those who speak sternly at times speak this way out of passion. Everyone feels they are right, but not everyone is righteous. The Muslim, the Hindu, the Catholic, the Jew, the everything-in-between & beyond shouldn’t be content with disagreements & scorn for each other. We all can’t be of the same mind about things, but just because we disagree we don’t have to over-indulge in anger. Words spoken in true hatred are words best not spoken.

Pay no heed to tone, to seeming aggression of a person’s actions. When we empower these behaviors by reacting to them with fear & subservience we are lessening our strengths as individuals. Do not

shackle your self in invisible chains made from fear of lack-of-conformity. “To thine own self be true” as Hamlet so wisely spoke.

So how to we empower the individuals? By bonding with our loved ones. Don’t struggle for the most appropriate and friendly thing to say. If you feel sad, say you feel sad. Families should hold bountiful love for each other. They should not fuel our own lack of self-worth. We don’t always feel like smiling. Smiling when we don’t really have anything to smile about forces a person into a fierce desire to please, to be the “happy” one. Do not be a dutiful servant to your family members, do it out of love. And how to do you acquire this love? By genuinely feeling it & genuinely expressing every emotion you feel to those you love.

Respect should be freely given. Love should be freely given. If you’re in a public place (such as a checkout lane), do not just stare at other people & wish you could talk to them. Open your mouth, say “hi” or “hello” and then begin to speak of the most cheerful thing you can think of discussing. You really like a TV show or something else others might share in and you never seem to find anyone who likes it? Don’t talk small. Talk big. If that other person isn’t receptive, chances are someone else around would be.

“Did you see Monk last night?” Pause. “That guy’s really brave I think. Despite the fact that he has such fears he’s willing to do the best he can do at whatever he sets his mind to.” You don’t have to worry about the proper wording of what you say. Life isn’t about reading from a script. (Unless you’re an actor.)

Oh, if you want to be an actor, maybe you should try doing voice acting for animation. It’s quite simple. Just read from a script, put a wealth of emotion into your voice, and speak into a microphone. Many

Voice-actors are average people who dress averagely. Watch more cartoons. :D They aren’t just for children: they are valuable tools for maintaining a cheerful disposition. Mark Hamill & Tom Kenny among many others are fine examples of voice-actors. Anyone can do it. Not everyone has to look beautiful, but I feel when people speak confidently with their voices they all sound beautiful.

To perform you need not focus upon technique or gaining acceptance from the crowd. Don’t bother sweating what everyone else is doing, thinking, wearing, eating, or whatever. If speaking to that person does not cause you to feel happy, do not speak to them. Having no speaking connection, the person should not be acknowledged.

Too often we are spies of each other. We look about with suspicion. We are all lost in the world. We spend our time looking at people, looking, looking, looking, looking, and looking. We don’t like being quiet & polite all the time. We repress & control ourselves so that we depersonalize when in public. The people we don’t know become threats to our safety.

But how would you get to know someone if you don’t speak to them? Don’t worry if others deem your small amounts of bravery with scorn or discontent. It is out of jealousy. You are something. Jesus wished you to be humble, meek, merciful, peacemakers.

Stigmas are created out of fear. Out of an obsessive oppressive desire to be controlled. Never stigmatize. Never call another person “crazy” or “stupid” or any other hurtful words. Life isn’t a competition. You need not be better than another person at any given task. Just be. Oh, and “Cleanliness is next to godliness” has nothing to do with bathing or washing of the clothes. It means cleanliness of the SPIRIT, of the soul, of the mind. Do not over-burden yourself with anger towards another human being. Don’t struggle to be perfect. Live in spiritual comfort. You don’t have to dress to the nines. Wear comfortable clothing. Clothes mustn’t have to look nice. If you have a winning, grandiose, friendly disposition and are willing to happily & inexhaustively speak to another person, then you’ll do well in this world. Once we have obtained cleansing of our souls, hearts, and minds we can achieve our place in Heaven besides God. (Any sinner can take a bath to temporarily wash the filth of the body from himself but it is very hard to maintain our humble goodliness.)

Don’t repress, don’t hold your emotions chained in heart and your mind forever revolving around how much more full of money your wallet is than another person’s. Live frugally, utilitarianly. There are never too many words. Only too little. There are lechers in this world because men & women fear each other. If you are a woman and you see a man you like or you are a man and see a woman you like --- or you are a man who sees a man you like or a woman who sees a woman you like --- speak to that person warmly & ingratiatingly. Don’t be afraid to be thoroughly bubbly with your goodwill. “OH! I don’t feel it’s appropriate to do this or this!”

Have a hobby? Like books? Go to a book store. Buy something. If you have a favorite author, obviously you must have a strong opinion about that person for you to love them so much. Strike up a spontaneous & absurd conversation about something. You’d be amazed. No matter how completely embarrassed & silly you feel for having spoken in earnest about something you genuinely care about in public, the other person might react positively. I did the same not to long ago at a book store myself. I once hypothesized in the middle of a Borders Express store that: “Peter Parker always needed to believe in himself, he needed to believe that he didn’t have to hide his full potential as a person. He was Spiderman but didn’t let anyone else around him know it. I’m a writer but I don’t talk about it well. If Peter hadn’t worn his mask, people would not have feared him. You have to believe in yourself, you know?”

The young lady cashier muttered “I like Batman” & started giggling at herself for not being able to speak intelligibly. I retreated out of surprise. I couldn’t have possibly been that charming. I was nervous of from my lack of belief in myself so I left. As I left, she went to the backroom. When I returned, she wouldn’t leave the backroom. You see? We both felt crestfallen even as we’d achieved a connection. Was the interaction a disaster? Not at all. It was life.

I find it amazing how often I encounter people who are deathly afraid of a karaoke machine. Just stand on the stage, hold the microphone to your lips, & sing the words that appear on the screen. You don’t even have to be good to do it. You might be surprised how many people will come to search you out to shake your hand & tell you how much they admire you. For what? Being able to read & talk at the same time.

Talking is singing. Don’t let anyone tell you “they are two completely different things.”

Sampling.

"Today is special." That's what she had said. She hadn't bothered to explain, but one could hardly miss her meaning. To her, it was a special day. Amy doubted it. She had always had arguments with her mother. And, more often than not, they were never resolved. They would continue shouting at each other until they could only agree on not wishing to see each other's face again, then they would go off into opposite rooms and close their doors. Amy would always slam her door as hard as she could, practically rattling it off of its hinges. One time, it had actually fallen off: thereby causing yet another argument. As for her darling mother, she never slams her door. The woman is as quiet as a titmouse. One could hardly believe that the minuscule-little heart of her hasn’t simply stopped by now. Surely, such a puritanical soul would not be much longer for this world. And now, she was piping about how simply SPECIAL today was. Imagine that!

http://www.pcworld.com/article/224722/new_commodore_64_is_finally_herefor_real.html

"

The new Commodore 64 is, like the old 64, an entire system inside a (rather thick) keyboard. The old Commodore 64 originally cost $595 and featured an MOS Technology 6510 microprocessor, an impressive 64KB of RAM, and VIC-II graphics that supported a screen resolution of 320 by 200 pixels.

The new system, which also starts at $595, is a little more modern: it's got a Dual Core 525 Atom processor, an Nvidia Ion2 graphics chipset, 2GB of RAM (upgradeable to 4GB), a 160GB hard drive, and built-in Wi-Fi. On the left side of the keyboard there's a slot or tray-load DVD (upgradeable to Blu-ray), and on the right side there's a multi-format card reader, along with a USB 2.0 port. The rear features four additional USB 2.0 ports; mouse and keyboard PS/2 ports; DVI, VGA, and HDMI ports; Ethernet; and support for 6-channel HD audio. It runs Linux, but you can install Windows if you like."

This is amazing to me. Sorta jealous that they aren't giving Tandys or Apple IIs the same treatment... but oh well.

Ordered three more books, still editing.

I don't know why it's easier for me to edit the books after reading them on paper as they look when printed out in book format rather than editing on the screen. If my printer worked, I kinda doubt I would print all those pages out myself because they wouldn't be in book format then.

Does this make any sense? I spend the money to have them printed, i scribble barely legible notes here and there where I find mistakes. Which kinda means every page might be messed up. And, well, I'm doing editing of material it took nearly twelve or thirteen years to make in the first place.

It's not fresh in my head so I could have garbled something up which I could go back to reading and have no idea what the heck I meant by that. I almost feel I'm a whole different person right now than I was before. I'm not the same as I was back then. Mistakes I'd made which I didn't bother fixing until after several rough patches in my life.

I only self-published because I had a vague idea that my health would deteriorate to some degree that I wanted to be alive and well, seeing my books on paper no matter how. I couldn't stand the thought of rejection from the traditional press route. Oh well, I'm only 33. I'm not THAT old but it doesn't stop causing me to feel much older than my years and weary. I guess I'm taking too much stock in my own mortality.

Testing Amazon Author Central.

Blog post should go there.

While editing "Darkling Romance" & "Journeys for the Pale Pilgrim," I noticed several structural errors I'd made. For one thing the files on my computer had margins that were messed up and the page size was incongruent with the page size for the book.

I had ordered copies of the books printed up so I atleast could read them over. Good thing nobody actually bought the ebook versions off of Smashwords yet or even Amazon. I also ended up copying and pasting a lot of text back and forth to make each book around 80 or 90 pages.

EDIT: Thursday I received two books even though one was shipped Ground and the other was Media Mail. Weds I got two books in the same shipment. Cost me a total of $66.69 for five books to be printed and shipped to me. I won't say the cost for each book, but considering it was printed-on-demand & I don't pay for hosting or bandwidth that's a pretty good price. Lulu.com is my "publisher."